saying goodbye

I move too quickly. My mother says I am impulsive. It must be true, or at least I've let myself believe that it must be true so as to not disappoint. Three years ago today we said goodbye to our first house on Liberty Street in Portland, Oregon. I loved that house. I loved Portland. I hated my job and I was six months into motherhood unable to tell the difference between my needs anyone else.

I'd only briefly returned to work. My second trip to San Francisco and in my non regulated hormonal state, I caught one whiff of the spring salt air and I longed for home. Surely San Francisco was home and I needed to assure our daughter know this great city. So I did what I do best and began to fulfill this deep urge, quickly. It took three weeks of sending resumes, holding phone interviews & in person interviews around regularly scheduled day trips to secure two offers. For just $20k more per year (after taxes that is hardly a notable raise) we agreed to move.

Please note that my milk supply was just beginning to regulate, our daughter was about to turn six months old, start scooting around and on top of this my husband had just graduated culinary school and was not working. I signed an offer, moving us closer to home, better job prospects and away from the simple live I had longed so much to return to.

In two weeks time we'd staged our home, applied a fresh coat of paint, moved half of our measly belongings into a pod and put our house on the market. A friend from work and his wife took one look at the house and within two days we had an offer. We were lucky. If nothing else God was saying "hey young couple. You kids want to move, sure I will honor your intention but remember life will not always be this easy." I wished we'd listed.

Our move was romantic if I omit the last night in our house, my husband and I sleeping on the couch, couch cushions on the floor and trying to sooth our baby to sleep in our new jogger stroller. In our sleepless haze we diagnosed the situation as teething. Already I could feel the clock counting down two weeks until my new job began. I was too frighten to say I think we should stay. So I did what I do best move ahead mostly without consulting my heart.

For now my little heart is saying go to sleep. And let it rest. There is so much more of my story to tell.