All that I need right now is within me.

I do know in my heart of hearts that this is true. The problem stems from thinking the following: "This shouldn't be happening right now" or "I wish I was more sure of what to do next." This is what arguing with reality looks like. And no one ever wins.

The truth is: this is happening and I am unsure in this moment. This is my truth.

The only way to get there is through it. The same is true for surfing: if you want to ride the wave, you better learn how to paddle.

We are only as powerful...

as the worst thought in our mind. If there is belief, no matter how small, that we are in fact not "good," "smart," "creative," "worthy," etc then in fact we will prove this belief to be true.

If, however we clean up our minds. We choose to believe powerful and wildly impossible things for ourselves, we will find eventually that we have woken up and accomplished so much more.

The trouble with following others...

is that it is so touch to predict the next right move. It takes so much energy to analyze what so-and-so would do. I get the whole "What would Jesus Do?" bracelets but how about teaching what will you do?

Is life perfect, no, but it is malleable. I spent the day at the beach with my daughters, and it is only Tuesday.

Could I be providing more if I was working, yes and no. Monetarily yes, but emotionally no. I am learning to unlearn all that I know. I find myself creating lists and becoming task oriented out of habit, as though I might suddenly be gone for a day and no laundry would get done. I am working to check my gut and move in the direction of love.

I am building the foundation, six years later, but a strong foundation for my marriage.

Spent last night in the ER - my left eye was swollen up like an extra flap of skin on the eye ball. When I looked in the mirror I thought my retina was detaching, after consulting my eye doctor at 10:30 pm I am now reassured that any retina issues are accompanied my loss of vision. Thankfully before I removed my contact from the swollen flap of tissue I still had 20/20 vision.

Turns out I have GPC - basically I have huge blisters under both eyes. After my follow up this morning at the eye doctor I drove my ass straight to Costco to purchase new glasses since I will be in glasses for months. Yes the eye doctor even repeated it for me to make sure I was aware that my treatment will not be a month with out contacts but months, upward of 3 she said. Once my eyes are healed then we can try and reintroduce contacts.

I'm officially (at least for one year) staying home with the girls and being a Mama full time. Our school is called Mama Pasta School. Two weeks ago I told Sofia I would teach her how to make pasta sometime. And last week on Thursday when Pat & I told the girls I was going to stay home Sofia sat quietly for a while then looked at me and said "You're not going to work anymore." I said "No I am going to stay home." Sofia looked up at me with a smile and said "Mama Pasta School."

Our first day was less than scrapbook worthy. We spent the morning at the eye doctor, then 2 hours at Costco getting my prescription filled and ordering glasses. When we finally made it home lunch was not followed my a nap and dinner was followed by an hour of horsing around in the bedroom. Sofia Mak, believe it or not has a bit of an attitude issues we're working on. She is very sassy with all of the changes.

Which brings me to our house! We're renting a beach house 200 yards to the ocean in Santa Cruz. It is a fabulous little 2/1 with french doors so the first thing we do in the morning is open up the living room and kitchen to the deck and yard. It's fantastic and feels so calming.

So what's next? I don't know but it's amazing to not own a house and be able to just take a walk when Pat gets home and dip my toes in the water. Perhaps I'll even start to use my wetsuit!

Teachable moments

This photo is evidence that I can be present to my children while working, but my heart knows another truth.

My ideal day begins before dawn the house is quite and it is only me awake in the kitchen with a warm steaming mug of coffee.

Dipping my toes in the water

I’ve quit before, actually more than a few times.

This time I didn’t quit. I choose my family, daughter's, marriage and myself.

Is there fear in my choice? Of course, but it's a wonderful unknown fear that I last felt when falling in love with my husband. It's the kind of nervous fear and excitement that makes you smile when you least expect to.

As for me, I feel amazingly light. I danced on our walk last night in the rain. I feel I have permission to be silly, to pay attention to the birds singing and the wind blowing the ocean spray up to kiss my cheeks.

Where will my well of patience come from bare foot in the kitchen with two lovely little girls at foot? From my heart.

Here's to a year of exploration committing to motherhood everyday all day. No night time meetings hiding out in the driveway attending a conference call from my car. No mad panic morning shuffles racing the clock to get to work for the early morning cross continental check in.

Here's to being present to my life and learning to bring my awareness forward to the people, experiences and places I love.

Goodbye Burrell

What's in an address? Why does it provide such deeply emotional reassurance to many of us?

A home is simply a place you arrive and depart from each day. An address is a physical way to find this "home." But your life happens every day around you regardless of where this "home" is located.

Two years, and so many expectations. Today we say goodbye to Burrell. That is spelled b-u-r-r-e-l-l.

Ciao burrell.